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About Kerry Campaign, Monday

Previous Entry Kerry Campaign, Monday May. 26th, 2004 @ 01:21 am Next Entry

So.

Monday (the 17th).  I've completed my first day of Democratic National Committee training (saturday) and am deposited here:

(ahh, technology.)  I am armed with a Rap, several half-memorized paragraphs focus-group-honed to kung-fu money-soliciting perfection.

Most of the houses are empty this time of day.  1st one someone's at -- a broke couple.

2nd -- open front door, a 60-year-old man in thick-rimmed glasses at the sink.

Me, hesitantly: Hi.

Him: ...

Me: My name's Ben (rapport-building smile. I'm lonely enough to be able to do this part well every time) and I'm with the Democratic National Committee (see? I'm never going to forget this shit; I'll be like 80 and croaking

I remember when I worked for the campaign of John Kerry.  A long time ago.  In those days, we didn't have svenges; we had to walk on our own two feet.  Yessir.  I was wearing cargo shorts, because that was the style at the time, and --

Kid: Were you there when he was assassinated?

Me: Ahhh.  You're thinking of John Kennedy.  No, that was before my time.  In any event, I would walk down the sidewalk to someone's door and say --

Kid: What's a sidewalk?

Me: Well, there used to be these pathways carved into the ground -- the surface, I mean, way up above; we used to live up there --  and --

Kid: When you went to the mines -- it must have taken a long time!

Me: No, no; this was before the mines.  Long before.  *cough*  long pause  No, we've rested long enough.  Hand me my pickaxe, son.

)

Um, as I was saying.

Me: Hi.

Him: ...

Me: My name's Ben and I'm with the Democratic National Committee, workng to defeat President Bush in November.

Him: ...

Me: We're planning to run our biggest grassroots campaign ever and we're putting together resources now so that we can get out the truth about Bush's record -- how his tax cuts are really just for the rich, how he has no plan to create jobs, how he favors corporate interests over environmental ones.

Him: Well, you have two die-hard Kerry supporters living here.

Me: Great!

Him: What're you looking for?

Me: Actually, we're fundraising right now.

Him: Get off my porch.

Me: We're asking for a contribution of fifty dollars.  This will give us the resources we need to take back the white house.  The best way to contribute is with a check.

Him: Get.  Off.  My.  Porch.

Me: It's Canadian timber, right?  (tapping foot against boards)  Bush has ruined our relationship with Canada -- wood prices through the roof.  Really, an investment in the Kerry campaign is an investment in yourself, your life, your community.

Him: Leave now.  I'm calling the police.

Me: That's right!  Kerry will direct funding to important public service priorities like putting more officers on the streets -- not like Bush, who's trying to send a man to mars.  A man to mars!  It's not like the scientific community supports him -- if you talk to any of the people down at the --

Him: Martha!  Get my shotgun!

Me: -- university, they're as pissed off as anyone else.  His incompetence, his ignorance of the relevant research across the spectrum of science, his --

Him: DIE, MOTHERFUCKER!

The shotgun blast pierced my shoulderblade and knocked me backwards -- back and sideways, really -- onto the steps.  No.  What really happened was

Him: Get off my porch.

Me: Okay, thanks for your time!  (with cheery feeling)

Fucking douchebag.  I should really quit the Kerry Campaign* and dedicate myself to making his life hell -- arson, killing his dog, that sort of thing.  And when he votes for Bush I'll be like "Don't you see?  I've won ! -- I've made you abandon your political ideals for a narrow personal vendetta.  MWAHAHAHAHA!"

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